dreadedcandiru2 (dreadedcandiru2) wrote,

The Dating Lamebrain

I think that it should go without saying that Mike has no real idea of why Martha invited him on the upcoming boat ride. After all, he is a very dull boy with no real knowledge of real-world social norms and cannot anticipate something amazingly obvious such as Martha wanting him to more or less go on a job interview. When it does manage to sink in that he's going to be asked who the Hell he thinks he is asking her to choose between her friends and some crazy imbecile who acts like Sandra Dee on a meth bender, his reaction is also typical: wishing to commit despairing suicide to avoid the infinite horror of having to explain himself.

This is mostly because all three of his parents have failed him. His primary caregiver Network Television has left Mike in the lurch by telling him nonsense stories about a world of endless opportunities for under-aged, under-supervised and under-brained sex, also-nonsense stories about a constant stream of manipulative monster girls who trap guys like him and even-more-nonsensical nonsense stories about parents with backwards-facing baked potatoes where brains are meant to go. Merely because his own biological parents are a DNA base pair away from squatting in a ditch picking bugs out of each others' pelts does not mean that every adult in the world is a jabbering dolt whom one fears will express his or her displeasure by hurling their own dung at us.

As always, though, John is the less damaging of the simpletons. All Mike risks from following his advice is a long, boring story in which he unwittingly reveals that Patsy O'Connor was smart to friend zone a tetchy and pompous imbecile who is too stupid to know what he's doing to antagonize her. Being told to his stupid face that she had no immediate interest in dating someone her grandparents thought of as a frightful stick-in-the-mud who was born senile would not explain things to him. He does, though, have the advantage of realizing that showing a love interest off to a family is something that happens. Elly does not.

This is alluded to in the book "The Lives Behind The Lines" when it's pointed out that Elly Richards didn't have an active social life until she left the watchful eyes of her parents. Promised dates somehow mysteriously vanished for reasons that weren't actually the case. Elly can blame pretty girls with dangerous body language and a saboteur mother all she likes but, as I'll show you next time, she is barking up the wrong tree. I realize that I said this long ago but now that the kids are starting to date, her focus on the wrong parent when explaining her problems constitutes an active menace to her children's development.
Tags: elly patterson: moron parent, mike versus martha

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