March 10th, 2007

Snarky Candiru2

Brain failure in Foobville: They don't plan to fail but fail to plan

I know I probably said this before, but it occurs to me that one of the chief reasons that the Pattersons are so often blindsided by life is that they're not what you would call systematic thinkers. Rarely, if ever, do you see them proceed on a course of action with any idea of the consequences, good or bad. For starters, we have John and his train fetish. One Hallowee'en, he plopped a big and expensive set-up on his front lawn overnight with a view to cleaning it up in the morning. Now, it only stands to reason if you're gonna do something silly like that, you're gonna at least TRY to make sure somebody doesn't show up and wreck the thing. In fact, you'd dismount the thing before it got too dark out with the intent of NOT affording the local jackasses a target. You would, but then you're not John Patterson; he blithely assumed nothing could possibly go wrong and stood there looking like a gaffed fish when the entirely predictable and preventableunimaginable happened. You'd think a guy this stunned would only have achieved the comfortable life he has because his wife has common sense, but you'd be dead wrong. There isn't a day goes by that Elly isn't flapping her arms (or gums) or wringing her hands about the consequences of some self-induced crisis she could have oh so easily avoided if she'd taken the time to stop and think things through BEFORE she acted. Since their oldest two children lead lives wherein they mindlessly bounce chaotically from one giddy blunder to the next, I'd assume that they are also crippled by the basic inability to plan ahead.
I'll continue with the lesser of the feeble minds first and talk about Liz and her most recent calamity. If she had thought ANYTHING through in her dealings with Paul, things would have gone lot more smoothly. If she did end up parting company with him, it would been on a LOT better terms, I'll tell you that. As for Mike, I don't even think he knows how to balance a checkbook. Anything that involves thinking farther ahead than, say, five minutes is WAY too painful for our Delicate Genius to bear. Why do think he squats in his baby sister's bedroom when, by rights, he could have a nice house on the Danforth by now? These people live lives of near-catastrophe because they listen to their guts and hearts instead of their BRAINS. Not for them the wisdom that the gut is an idiot and the heart can lead you astray; if an idea isn't slathered in cheap sentiment, the Foobs believe it's not worth thinkng.