May 16th, 2009

Indignant Candiru

The oncoming advent of 'Lizardbreath'.

There's one thing that I've missed over the nearly nine months that the new-ruins have 'graced' the comics page: Michael referring to Lizzie as Lizardbreath. Knowing that 'filling the gaps' means 'filling said gaps with details that don't actually need to be brought to light because they were obvious', it seems to me that we're about to see why he says it in boring detail. My gut feeling tells me that it'll somehow be related to an act of idiocy on Elly's part. It seems to me that the following might take place:

  1. Elly will have decided sight unseen that giving Elizabeth the nickname 'Lizzie' is too vulgar a means of referring to her and insist that everyone use her full name at all times.

  2. Not realizing that he's supposed to impress people that don't care, Mike will call Lizzie what he's always called her.

  3. Elly, refusing to entertain his heretical notion that it won't damage her prospects of being married to whatever douche is least likely to move away from Milboring and most likely to stay home nights if he calls her Lizzie, will insist that he give her her right name.

  4. Mike will do so while, as is almost always the case, his mouth is full.

  5. The muffled and distorted result will sound to Elly like the phrase "lizard breath".

  6. She will unhinge her jaw and start yelling at him for calling Lizzie that awful name.

  7. Lumbering Ignoramus Dad will spank him and send him to bed without supper at Elly's behest like a good little moral coward.

  8. Mike, being a child, will blame the whole thing on Lizzie and start calling her what everyone expects him to anyway.

  9. Lizzie will start responding by being a tattletale thus ensuring years of disharmony.

  10. Neither Elly and John will ever admit that their stupidity and stubbornness made their lives worse. Elly especially won't admit that she's directly to blame for the rift her arrogance and neglect created.

It's sort of a bummer to realize the scenario I just came up with on the fly is so damned plausible but it can't be helped; the Pattersons are what they are: grumbling bunglers who don't see what they're doing and never admit to screwing up. Eventually, they'd be praised by the unobservant for illusory greatness.