September 30th, 2009

Snarky Candiru2

The Liography of Candace Halloran and its failures.

As expected, the Liography of Candace was a long, incoherent symphony of abusive imagery that has little connection to everyday reality. We started out with Candace having the required unremittingly miserable childhood and deteriorated from there; all the other goblins made their unwanted appearances: the weak mother, the evil stepfather, the pointless arguments, the insane confrontations and the presence of the too-good-for-this-sinful world Pattersons. We even had a rant about how love was a dangerous thing that blinded people to moral imperatives and the warped Aesop about how the passionless friendship-with-bed-privileges that the Pattersons revere is the ideal relationship between a man and woman. As other, wiser voices have said, this is a total failure because it's so over the top. It would be far better if Lynn and Beth had remembered that Candace was the Anti-Liz. That way, we could be told of a young woman from a family that's higher up the food chain than the Pattersons who acted like the queen bee she was because she honestly didn't give too much thought to what social inferiors like Liz and Dawn thought. The part where the drama came in would be when she was blindsided by their divorce; it, as cookie77 said, would have come as a total shock because her parents hid their discontent behind plastic smiles. This would turn an ordinary queen bee into a brooding jerk who really wanted to stick it to the losers; the uglification to repel perverted step-dads was an unnecessary touch mandated by Lynn's love of pointless theatrics. The more plausible reason was that she was both mad at the world and driven berserk by the need to look cool; Luke Spitvalve could have been as sweetly pure as Candide and she'd still have gone Goth on us. The Candace that befriended Liz would not have been the result of an Afternoon Special set in Hell but the result of the natural process of growing up and realizing that she's not a special snowflake but the same decaying matter everyone else is. I could write Candace a bio that's easier to both read and believe but that's not saying much; the dreamy high school seniors that write rocks-fall-everyone-dies fanfiction about Sailor Moon could do better than Beth did too.