December 16th, 2009

Snarky Candiru2

Have yourself a Merry little Liz-mas.

Mike isn't the only member of the family to have his love life affected over the holiday season; Liz seems somewhat more susceptible to game-changing events that affect her status as a player in the romantic arena as the following examples will attest:

  • 1993: It was at this time that we first started noticing that Elizabeth had a not-so-secret admirer; since Liz was (and still is) as dense as titanium, Dawn actually had to convince her that Anthony had the hots for her.
  • 1997: Liz goes out on a pub date with Blandthony; nothing happens but a slam against Ted and an interrogation from John and Elly.
  • 1999: More awkwardness with Awfulny as their high-school romance starts circling the drain.
  • 2000: Liz spent the holiday gushing about Eric Chamberlain to Mike and Dee after the Secret Wedding; owing to her inability to keep a secret, she helped set up the Big Fat Fake Wedding because the Pattersons and Sobinskis fell like suckers for Deanna's hypocritical boasting. (To my knowledge, she, like Mira and Wilf, does NOT know that her older brother was already married when she bragged about the wonders of cohabitation unlike the rest of the Patterson family who, somehow or another, pried it out of the Crappy Couple.)
  • 2001: "Liz and Eric and Anthony and Terri": We were stuck dealing with Liz making excuses for Eric who, as we know, got wanderlust 'cause someone wouldn't put out. It was at this time that Awfulny announced his engagement.
  • 2003: "Liz versus Thérèse: Part Two": Liz attends a holiday party with, you guessed it, the Caines in attendance; as expected, she acts like a great big martyr because she has to think about someone who ain't her.
  • 2004: "Liz versus Thérèse: Part Three": The Breath, who was busy pouting because Warren put his job ahead of her idiot compulsion to have him where she could see him (Pattersons, by definition, being incapable of trust), went to the New Years party where she again treated Thérèse like Cruella DeVille because the woman still took her wedding vows seriously and expected Anthony's past to freaking stay IN the past. She storms off in a blind rage after being asked to behave with decorum, falls on a patch of glare ice and has the gall to blame the whole thing on a pregnant woman.
  • 2005: "Warren versus Paul": Liz witlessly dangles Warren (who, as we see, is clearly still under her spell) in front of Paul, spouts the stupid Pattersonian gospel about how long distance relationships are impossible and sets up the following year's humiliation.
  • 2006: "Chudsers": As you will recall, Liz, having expected Paul to do all the adapting and changing in their relationship because change is haaaaaaaaaaard and she haaaaaaaaaaaates it, is blindsided by his refusal to be a puppet on her string; after delivering the weakest, lamest denunciation imaginable, she flees South after congratulating a thief on robbing her of something that as little to her as April's opinion on the matter.
  • 2007: "I'm not her but I'm here": In the most hateful part of a loathsome holiday season, Thérèse is forced to grovel pathetically as she apologizes to Liz for breathing the same air as her and Françoise, having taken her marital vows seriously, objecting to the Pattersons' unwelcome interference in her personal life, having post-partum depression and, finally, having reached the limits of human endurance and leaving a situation whose stress would kill Liz.

You will, of course, have noticed the smug, shiftless, witless passivity that unites these rancid tales of bourgeois anhedonia; if our heroine were any more spineless, she could not stand up without mechanical assistance to defeat gravity and if she were any less forceful, she'd be mistaken for being one of the frozen people in Awakenings. It's a good thing that the Pattersons are more efficient in policing April's behavior; I'd hate to have to write a third one of these.