May 8th, 2010

Snarky Candiru2

Everyone's Favorite Addict: Funky in Phase Two

As I mentioned a while back, Phase Two found Harry Klinghorn and Funky Winkerbean working for Tony Montoni; while Harry became a letter carrier, Funky stayed behind. He also ended up marrying the poor man's Veronica Lodge: Cindy Summers. While she would eventually try to make amends to the people she picked on in high school, back in Phase One she was something of a jerk, Phase Two found her as a reporter for the local ABC station. The problem, of course, was that at one point Cindy got a job offer from the New York affiliate; Funky's hostile refusal to leave Westview, animated primarily by his need to be the alpha male, was one of the factors that led to the dissolution of their marriage. The other factor, of course, was a secret he kept from everyone else: he was and is an alcoholic. His addiction and need to deny he had a problem darkened his personality, alienated his friends and threatened to ruin his life and the only reason he joined AA was because he ran a kid over. Part of his putting his life back together was remarrying breast cancer survivor Holly Budd. The two of them bonded because Phase Two had mauled her as badly as it had him; not only was she divorced from the idiot rat bastard who date-raped Lisa, the former perky baton girl had no real prospects, a child she couldn't handle and no idea how to turn her life around. What she did have was a second husband whose addictive personality was channeled into a temporarily more productive habit; the problem was that without Tony holding his need to come up with one dubious innovation after another in check, Funky's expansion plans were doomed to fail. More on that tomorrow.