October 28th, 2012

Snarky Candiru2

The not-so-great pumpkin buyer: Elly Patterson versus Halloween.

It would seem that I've neglected a certain facet of life in the Foobiverse that I really should have covered: Elly's preparations for a seasonal holiday and her clean-up of same. Since it is pretty much Halloween, let's take a close-up look at what she has to do and why it all leads to the same blasted destination everything else does: her whining about how hard her life is and how little appreciation she gets.

First off, we have to contend with an issue that I believe I covered: her endless whining about the costumes the children wear. When she isn't screaming blue murder because of her witless misapprehension that wearing a punk rock costume MUST mean that Lizzie is worshipping Satan, she gets a huge bug up her ass when she makes the witless assumption that since her children criticize what she makes them (or, in the case of a two-year-old, balk at being pawed over) that they must hate her. What this means is that to her, making costumes for children is a disappointing experience in which horrible children either take her for granted or reject her as a person.

Next, we have that which I derived the title of this essay from: the exercise in slapstick comedy that is called the buying of pumpkins for decorations. It's bad enough that Elly is too stupid to do it herself or too blind to see that she cannot simply get one pumpkin for two children and have them like it. What's really annoying is her groaning about cleaning out the inside and never getting the thanks she thinks she deserves. In her defense, John is not especially inclined to praise people for doing what he thinks that they're supposed to but, well, there's also the sad fact that on the rare occasions that people do pay her compliments, she either thinks that they're trying to get something from her or being sarcastic.

Finally, we have to deal with her unhealthy relationship with food. The little voice in her head that started telling her that she was ten pounds overweight when she first encountered a scale (back when she was about six years of age or so) tells her that the only reason her kids go out to get candy is to torment her with the possibility of indulging and becoming fat and ugly and undesirable and being divorced and forgotten and laughed at and so on and so forth.

When you add things up, it's clear that the most appropriate 'e-greet' on Lynn's web-page would be Elly wearing a Halloween costume while nailed to a damned cross.