April 7th, 2014

Snarky Candiru2

On why information is dangerous.

As we know, Elly really kinda chickened out whenever she had to have The Talk with her kids. Mike learned about sex from an old text book and a copy of Penthouse, Liz learned about it from a sex ed class and a Harlequin novel and we all know that the Martian learned about sex from a book she thought she wasn't supposed to read. This is not just because the subject scares and embarrasses Elly to death. The problem is that she simply cannot allow herself to trust her children with any sort of information ever owing to her belief that whatever choice her kids make must always without exception be the worst possible choice ever.

This, I should think, is why the idea of April having access to the Internet scared her and John shitless. When she made her panicky and stupid comment about how the Feds should have done her parenting for her by censoring anything that might give her the vapors, what Elly actually told Connie is that she doesn't trust April in the least with any knowledge she might assimilate. The mutton-headed old dolt seems thus convinced that were the defiant and always-wrong Martian picky-face princess creature come across a website for some right-wing loser, she'd be trying to turn her token-ass friends into the Gestapo a millisecond later.

The reason for this is as simple as paper and has to do with the shrill screams of thinking about the children that women like her and Tippy or Flipsy or whatever the Hell stupid-ass first name Al Gore married make. Children, you see, are always dependent on Mommy (and Daddy) to make choices for them so if it is possible that children might actually choose correctly, Mommy (and Daddy) instantly become obsolete and must therefore die and be forgotten and laughed at and WHY, Mommy, WHY do the pretty girls get all the cute boys and so on throughout the depressive phase of boomer imbecilism. Simply put, the reason April's knowing things scares Elly is that she's a dumb-ass who doesn't like what she sees in the mirror and thus needs to be needed forever. For the manic phase of being a boomer muttonhead, we got John and his non-stop nitwit authoritarian thinking. More on that tomorrow.