July 3rd, 2015

Snarky Candiru2

The world without April

Sometimes, it occurs to me that Lynn's claim that she wrote the Nichols family out of the strip because reviewing the past was too hurtful is so much hogwash. As howtheduck says, the real reason is that with the Martian in the mix, we didn't need to go next door in order to get the cute kid strips that Lynn loves to do. He makes this assumption because we stopped going to Gordo's place for cute kid strips when Meredith was born.

What this all means that without April fooling all of us, Lynn would have to have some other means of killing Farley and occupying Elly's time. It seems to me that both purposes could have been fulfilled by the Nichols family. We could establish Leah as another disobedient doorknob who played around streams because Anne needed a Stern Lecture about how she should watch over her own kids before lecturing Elly. That way, no Patterson would have to absorb the hatred of the monkeymass for killing Farley.
The other way the Nicholses could have helped fill the time is because Christopher was being given the Boy Next Door edit Anthony ended up with. We could have had a wonderful time had that taken place. This is because we could have seen:
  1. Steve being made out to be a disgusting freak who, even if he didn't stand against the will of God and Man by implying that Liz is not the one, would defy all that is good and pure by encouraging him to play the field before and during their marriage.

  2. Anne making Mira look like Christopher Hitchens when she suggests that Liz be stoned to death for having pre-marital sex.

  3. Christopher wailing that he has no home because his marriage to Melody Morrison isn't a damned fifties conform-to-the-norm educational film.

  4. Liz still having to be purified to become worthy of Christopher because Lynn's brain is Harlequin novels and schmaltz.

  5. Melody Morrison ending up in prison for the sort of child negligence Lynn usually treats as a great big joke.

  6. Anne trying to scuttle Chris and Liz's wedding lest God kill everyone for allowing a FALLEN WOMAN to find love.

  7. Anne and Steve dying ironically as the weathervane off of the church gets embedded in her skull while he strokes out nailing a bridesmaid.

It would have been more wonderful dumb fun than watching a Tamil action movie. Sure, no one would have the gravity punched out of them by a guy who looks like a shop teacher but it would have been a big old time.