October 8th, 2015

Snarky Candiru2

Elly existence failure

Any sort of long-term plan for Elly would, aside from her finally living the life she wanted to live when she got our of high school, point towards the fact that she's no more immortal than anyone else. This would manifest itself in her talking about a vague grab in her chest which would lead her to steal from Golden Girls and make acerbic comments about how she takes nitroglycerin every day because she wants to explode.

The first stage of Elly's exit strategy from being alive would be to come up with a love interest for her. Thelma Baird had some guy named Ed, Jim had Iris and Elly will need a man in her life (let's call him 'Bob') who finally values her for who she is and what she wants instead of what she can do for him. This would occur about five years after the start date. While the Caines don't care one way or another, Mike would get his bowels in an uproar because Mommy is cheating on Daddy.

Stage Two would take place after another five years and would have a newly married Elly and Bob move into a cozy little nook of their own so as to get out of Liz and Anthony's way. What would happen then is that she'd come in every so often to offer Liz advice about her children that would end up being endless variations of "don't make the same frakking stupid mistake your dad and I did and take it personally. I was a jerk to my folks and their kids will be jerks to them." Also, we'd have minor health scares and Elly talking about how it's okay that certain things (like unwedging Mike's head from his ass) never get done because everyone has unfinished business.

This echo of the arc in which Elly felt all gutted when Thelma Baird passed on would reach its conclusion shortly after Elly's seventh anniversary when Liz was surprised by an actual telephone call. Given the rarity of the situation, her first words to the caller would be "When and what of?" before telling the rest of the clan Elly had died. We'd have Liz wondering why she still felt as if she never did enough, complaining about how unfair it was that Elly never got enough of what she wanted to do in life done and dreading the memorial service because Michael would obviously try to make it all about himself. What she would not know is that Elly had a plan for Mike after she died: public exposure as a fraud and a plagiarist.
Snarky Candiru2

The Other Girl and the Guy's Pal's series.

I'll get back to talking about to dismantling Mike tomorrow but right now, I'd like to talk about current developments in the 2015 Archie continuity. The last issue of the main series depicted Veronica's arrival and sort of established what her character is: someone who has no real idea of what she's doing to antagonize Betty and Jughead. As I alluded to, what Jughead 2015 sees is a bad photostat of a Kardashian who has no real value as a human being and has an alarming tendency to treat his buddy as a free servant. 2015 Betty has a different reason to dislike the new girl. You see, the bundle of allergies in the designer clothing reacted to cafeteria fare by vomiting all over herself and making a hysterical phone call about how the food is awful and how people either love or hate her for no reason she can immediately understand. The writer made it dead easy to understand why people love her: they love her daddy's money and they love the colorful stories she tells about her life but don't love her for her. It was also made clear why people hate her: she thought that when Betty offered her a dress that wasn't the latest style, she was being made fun of. Simply put, we're dealing with someone who, while not being obliviously EVIL like the pyromaniac from Team Fortress 2, is at least oblivious to the effect she has on other people.

We get to see what this effect is in Jughead's series. We start things off with the school board being convinced somehow that discipline needs a bit of tightening at Riverdale High. They clearly aren't as efficient as someone thinks they could be so it's obvious that a new, firmer hand is needed as principal. This means that Weatherbee has hit the bricks so that a wannabe drill sergeant can come in and shape things up. His first move is to overhaul the cafeteria and replace the menu with grey slop designed for maximum nutrition and minimum interference with the digestive system of a rattle-brained brunette with more money than sense or class. His next plan will to be to make sure that everyone participates in gym class. His every move seems to be directed with the singular purpose of jamming it to one Forsythe P Jones the third for one reason: nobody insults Lodge's little girl and gets away with it. Oh, the rich dude does plan on blunting the less palatable parts of his child's personality but it doesn't mean that people can get away with making her feel bad. It'll take her years to realize what he did. Feeling bad about it will take longer.