October 9th, 2015

Snarky Candiru2

The Lesser Dysfunction

It doesn't take a genius to realize that any sort of memorial service for Elly would be a pitched battle between Mike and Deanna on one side and Liz, April, Anthony and Gordon on the other to determine what Elly's legacy is. Mike would probably score the minor victory of giving vent to a horrible eulogy that, while seeming to celebrate Elly's life, actually turned out to be a sprawling, verbose, self-aggrandizing and imbecilic mess that had as its premise the stupid idea that Elly should have been content to be a happy servitor to a grandiose nitwit instead of having an identity of her own which was bad because it clashed with his need to be a creature of pure art and not at all a selfish, sullen and vindictive parasite. He'd lose on points because he's not especially all that smart and would be reeling from a video will that upbraided him for being stuck in the eighties whining that nooooooobody loved him because he was expected to contribute to the upkeep of the house instead of being loved and allowed to sit on his ass while everyone else worked. Also, it would be revealed that Elly was the blogger that's been dogging him for the last seventeen years pointing out that while the Emperor Of Canlit might not be naked, his underwear is really freaking ugly. What would interest most people is that while it looks that there's a united front at Casa Foob, there are fractures behind the grand facade.

This is because it's not just Elly's life that would be changing in the seventeen years it takes her to die. We'd have Liz and Anthony watch their tidy, quiet and docile children grow up into tidy, quiet people who live tidy, quiet lives that prove the premise that being tidy, quiet people who don't kick up a fuss and don't make themselves a problem to those around them are the real stars of the human race. This is because a new creative team would make Lynn's promise that Anthony would be the envy of the world come true because they don't have Lynn's baggage.

What would also be happening is that the grand edifice of Mike's vanity would slowly be shown to be hollow and rotten within. While he assumed that everything is fine and that the lesser people are jealous of him, the plain truth would be that things are not all they're cracked up to be. Deanna would slowly be revealed to be cracking under the strain of having to make excuses for a fatuous oaf, Robin would be wondering if he could get away with calling himself Sobinski in order to avoid a heaping helping of guilt by association and even Meredith would see the writing on the wall and rebel against her deluded imbecile father and his cult of horrible books everyone derides.

As I hinted at yesterday, Elly's death would manage to finally kick what's left of Michael to pieces when her video will points to a collection of documents she'd procured over the years. Said documents would prove that Mike has made a life and living plagiarizing other people shamelessly and stealing others' lives because he really doesn't have any idea that isn't 'Sum kids wuz lost an'then was fownd." This would be combined, of course, with something else: a lecture about what a demanding, needy, sullen pain in the ass he was to raise and how most of his problems stem from an unrealistic self-image and failure to value other people.

After the mental breakdown caused by the witch hunt and brutal divorce, we'd end our story with Liz and Anthony and the others continuing to live their quiet, tidy and productive lives while occasionally helping a pathetic, broken man who still isn't especially grateful for it out with his problems. Thus is virtue rewarded and foobery punished.