dreadedcandiru2 (dreadedcandiru2) wrote,
dreadedcandiru2
dreadedcandiru2

One year after the Settlepocalypse......

As you know, it's been pretty much one year since the Kitsch Abomination Wedding Of This Or Any Other Century blighted our lives and irritated the world. The strange and annoying part was that we never really got to see too much of what happened to the Pattersons afterwards. Instead of the week-long look ahead at the Pattersons' future I sort of expected, we wound up with a single page that gave them all bizarre futures that none of them really seemed to have earned. Also, we were told quite specifically that Lynn has no interest in revisiting them at any point in time and has thus told us that whatever we imagine them to be doing is what they are doing. In that light, I'd live to give you my best guess as to how they're doing now:

  • Elly: Racing around in a blind panic trying to keep a suddenly-horrible Clarice Caine from having the same sort of destructive influence in James Allen's life that Mira has in Meredith and Robin's; after all, it isn't right to want to interact with children or stimulate their curiosity about the world. All she needs to do to prove that is to point to that sullen, weird, annoying Frenchy girl of Anthony's.
  • John: Still playing with his trains as he agrees with every stupid thing Elly says and does. One of the stupid things he's agreeing to is to finally fix up that basement room so they can rent it to paying customers instead of that freeloading complainer April.
  • April: Irritating Elly and John by spending the summer with people who actually want her around while listening to passive-aggressive phone calls that blame her for their hateful refusal to pay attention to her needs.
  • Liz: Acting like she's the first person to have ever given birth. Also, whining about how big a pain in the ass that needy little child of Anthony's is and her inexplicable need for love and affection.
  • Anthony: Not noticing how Françoise is being left out because he's still convinced that the Pattersons are always right.
  • Michael: Working on big, fat, stupid book number four and still whining about how unfair it is that those weird kids show up from time to time to destroy his concentration.
  • Deanna: Still doing all the parenting, still validating every stupid decision Mike makes and still hating her job.
  • Meredith and Robin: Setting themselves down the road of marrying the first white person of the opposite sex they met in pre-school.
  • Françoise: Being treated like a second-class citizen because the Pattersons don't want to remind themselves they treated her birth mother shamefully.
  • Jim and Iris: Having met his namesake a few months ago, he dies in Iris's arms around the middle of this July. The Pattersons scream about how they wanted more time with him and blame Iris for their failings as people. She leaves town, sickened and sullied by their idiocy.

I might be a little off-base on some of the details but, if so, not by much.

Tags: the shape of foobs to come
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