dreadedcandiru2 (dreadedcandiru2) wrote,

The Foob Disentanglement Technique

As we've seen, the Pattersons tend to define having the moral high ground as being able to avoid havong to confront their own immoral behavior. This is why they only confront people who have no real expectation of prevailing against them; since they can use moral or physical force to settle the issue, they get to declare victory. The end result is that they cannot do what normal people do when they're in a relationship they realize is doomed. To do that, of course, is to risk being the same sort of reprobate Ted is. We all remember why he was reviled above all others until Mira and Thérèse loomed over the Pattersaints; his dreadful, scandalous act was to take Connie aside and tell her that while he cared for her as a person, it would be foolish of them to get married. He didn't even cheat on her, the dirty guy!! In order to avoid being a selfish jerk like Ted, the Pattersons have this patented method of ridding themselves of an unwanted entanglement:

  1. Discovery of inferiority: The first step in the cycle is to have the Patterson latch onto some quirk the other person that proves unsuitability. For Mike, it was Rhetta's insistence that he settle down without first going on an adventure and seeing for himself that foreign cultures are as inferior as Elly says they are; For Liz, it was the irritating habit the men around her had of not indulging her immaturity.
  2. Creating tension: The second stage occurs when the Patterson oscillates between demanding total loyalty, withholding him- or herself. and begging forgiveness. This is meant to keep the target in a state of apprehension without having to expose the Patterson to the temptation of adultery; it is, of course, important that the Foob be physically loyal for things to be a success.
  3. Discovery of disloyalty: Since human beings cannot exist in a condition of constant strain, the targeted individual breaks and commits an act of physical disloyalty. Since he or she, unlike a Patterson, has a conscience, s/he makes the foolish mistake of saying so in the vain hope that the Foob will be cool about it.
  4. Jettisoning the love interest: Said expectation is, of course, foolish; the Patterson has no intention of forgiving the targeted person. Care must be taken to ensure that the break-up is handled in such a manner as to avoid confrontation so as to not have to hear horrible lies about how the other party is not totally guilty; Mike wins this because he broke things off with a Dear-Jane e-mail.

The horrible part of all this is, of course, that the disgusting slobs have no idea that the horrible people that they're horribly disappointed in thank whatever deity they believe in that they've seen the back end of the Patterswine.
Tags: my brain needs a shower!!

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