Now that I’ve successfully altered the Divala and Howard Bunt incidents so that they make sense in the real world, I’d like to take yet another run at the stupid way in which Lynn addressed the whole Farley incident. As we know, one of Deanna’s first acts as Mistress of the fabled Pattermanse was to buy and install a secure lock to the back gate because she didn’t plan on having a heroic dog to cover her arse in case the children put themselves at risk so that she could be like her idol and cower in fear at the prospect of children demanding attention she never had within her to give. I couldn’t actually quite take it in when I first read that because not only did it seem to me that the only reason she took such a basic, no-brainer precaution was that she never planned on getting a dog, it seemed to me that she faithfully parroted Elly’s statement that April simply toppled into the river as if human agency were not involved.
What infuriates me the most is not what led up to the incident. While it is sort of enraging to see that Elly knew that the gate was a problem and that she thought that her solution would actually work despite a four-year old thinking that if you can ask anyone if you can leave the back yard, that means exactly that instead of ‘Ask me or Daddy’ like Elly expected it to mean, that isn’t what bothers me the most. Elly’s blowing off warning after warning about how dangerous the river was and the need to keep a close eye on small children who can’t look out for themselves is also not what bothers me the most; after all, paying attention to children is something that Elly simply cannot do without bleating about turning into one herself. The "Don’t-blame-me" act she did afterwards, however, points the way to what gets me angered about this whole thing: Elly was never held directly accountable for her incompetence, neglect and stupidity in a court of law.
Imagine then, dear friends, what a trial would be like. Imagine, for instance, John getting in the Crown Attorney’s face because since Elly never meant for April to almost die, the whole trial should have been over in fifteen minutes only to be named as a material witness. Imagine also Elly on the stand making an incoherent fool of herself because of her inability to follow the evil male linear logic that assumes something she thinks is unfair, evil and meant to turn April into her boss; watching her bellow that paying attention to what a child is doing is part of a plot to keep her down and have that child usurp her authority would, at the very least, be fascinating. At the very most, it would assure that Elly spent a largish amount of time as the guest of Her Royal Highness, Queen Elizabeth at one of Her Maj’s finer resorts for the incurably stupid as well as finally give her the public identity of her own she wanted more than anything. Granted, that identity would be that of ‘self-centered arsebucket parent’ but at least people would know her name. As for April herself, she'd probably have been sent off to live with Phil and Georgia who would probably be delighted to have the child their infertility denied them and who'd raise her far better than his idiot older sister and moron brother-in-law could.