dreadedcandiru2 (dreadedcandiru2) wrote,

The sliding ages of the Patterchildren explained.

As you know by now, Mike is currently seven years old for the second year in a row; the outward reason is, of course, that Lynn either plain forgot how old he was supposed to be or experimented with freezing his age so that she could keep churning out gags about small children. The problem that that raises is that she wants to mix cartoonish nonsense like that with the hyperrealism that she's actually good at. It therefore behooves us to have a real-world explanation for this that is in any way credible. What makes sense to fairest1 and aprilp_katje is that Mike got held back in the second grade and Elly decided to keep him from complaining in the only way she knew how: by lying about his age. Since he was probably thrown a second seventh birthday party, he never questioned why it was that when Autumn came around, he was back in second grade all over again. Since he also quietly repeated fifth grade, we can assume that she did the same damned thing.

As for Lizzie, it seemed to them that since she was smaller than a five year old is supposed to be and pretty much developmentally delayed by a year as well, Elly simply lied about that too so she could be the right size and mental age when she first went into kindergarten; also like Mike, she repeated a year of elementary school and a year of age.

This leads us to an interesting, disturbing and well-in-character conclusion: Elly's need to not have to endure the "meaningless" complaints about how her children felt stupid and weird because they got held back has the end result of the two of them thinking that they're two years younger than they actually are.
Tags: amazonian catfish tinfoil hat, child rearing disasters

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