dreadedcandiru2 (dreadedcandiru2) wrote,

Christmas 2011 at the Pattermanse: a broad-strokes look.

As we all know, Lynn has gone out of her way to remind us that as far as she's concerned, the curtain went down on the Pattersons for good about three and a half years ago. No matter how much her fans plead for a look into their modern-day lives, the Strip of Destiny is, for her, the last word we're ever going to get. That being said, however, we can extrapolate from the past to determine what might be taking place in the here-and-now. Let's take a look at the things I expect to see happening:

  • First off, we can probably expect Elly to have spent most of December on preparations that make the recent Royal Wedding look like a quickie wedding in front of a Justice of the Peace; this is, as I said, because she thinks that her family not only expects things that they don't honestly care about from her but that whenever they comment on missing it if she screws up, they're slamming her..
  • We can also expect to see John totally lost on what to get her even now; since he can't read minds and such, he's more or less walking around half-blind hoping that his wild-ass guess won't get too chilly a reaction.
  • They'll treat Mira like an obstruction, Françoise like a freak and April like a family retainer while simultaneously congratulating themselves on not playing family politics.
  • They'll act like it's a crime against nature for Jon Benet, Crown Prince Poopie Pants and That Weird Frenchy Girl to want to get up before Mike and Deanna awaken from their nightly coma; also, Mike will claim that he was never that excitable as a child.
  • They will eat greasy food before it cools down.
  • April will be castigated for having a social life and plans that don't involve being told that she's a picky-face.
  • Given that on the drive up to her wedding, Lizzie screamed STOP!!! in blind, pants-wetting terror when exposed to the unimaginable horror of children behaving normally, James will be treated as someone who needs the services of an exorcist for being incredibly average.

The reason that I mentioned April twice is because of something else I expect to happen: I should think that this is the last Christmas she spends at home because she's very close to being the age of majority; after next April, she gets to fool all of them by spending summer vacation and Christmas break away from what used to be home.
Tags: amazonian catfish tinfoil hat, x-ing out xmas.

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