dreadedcandiru2 (dreadedcandiru2) wrote,
dreadedcandiru2
dreadedcandiru2

The many loves of Mikey Patterson........

As you might have remembered, the television show started out with Lynn at a drawing board making an incoherent speech about what the weekly episode would be about. In the one covering the love life of the Pattersons, she'd talked about what a great romantic Mike was and I'd made an abrasive comment about how Lynn must think that "romantic" and "jerkass" must mean the same thing. If you'll indulge me, I'd like to show you the stages that his relationships took.

  1. Infatuation: When Mike first encountered a love interest, he spent a fair amount of time working up the courage to talk to her. The reason that makes the most sense is that he seems to have a very real fear of rejection. This leads to the next phase in the cycle.
  2. Embarassment: At some point after the initial encounter, Mike does something stupid or makes an idiotic assumption that he thinks has totally ruined his chances. This can be anything ranging from making an ass of himself in front of his fellow scruffy idiots in order to fit in to not realizing that who he thought was his rival was actually Rhetta's brother.
  3. Angst: After Mike screws up and makes an idiot of himself, he usually doesn't have the decency to admit that he did whatever to himself. His narcissism and need to not accept blame make him believe that whoever he's dating is a phony plotting against him out of a sadistic need to torment him.
  4. Gamesmanship: It's at this point things start to deteriorate. This is because even when the butt-hurt nitwit lets Girl X back into his life, it's with the understanding that ex-cons on parole have more freedom than she does. Since the jackass lies to himself as a matter of course, he believes himself to be the image of magnaminity.
  5. Complacent Obliviousness: Since no normal woman wants to be left dangling so that a creepy little non-entity can play with her like a tomcat tormenting a mouse, it's at this point that she usually finds a new love interest who isn't a festering load of passive-aggressive dickery. The reason she's free to do so is that the fetid loon has his fat head wedged so far up his pimply ass, he looks like a pretzel.
  6. Disillusionment: Upon the discovery of the new affiliation, Mike whines idiotically about how a cruel, insincere temptress with a heart full of sulfuric acid lead on and torment a poor innocent like him who was a bird in the radiator grille of life.
  7. Low-key revulsion: Once Mike gets done bawling like an ass because he wasn't the one dishing out the sadistic torment he would have subjected the girl to had he the chance, he makes a stupid, hate-filled comment about how when she's old, fat and ugly, she'll kill herself because she coulda had a Delicate Genius.


What distinguishes Deanna from the two who dodged the bullet is that she'd rather endure his being a revolting pile of entitled sludge than admit the mother who wouldn't let her vegetate was right about him. In short, she has the 'advantage' of being off her head with butt-hurt of her own.
Tags: mikerobe: the universal infant
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