dreadedcandiru2 (dreadedcandiru2) wrote,
dreadedcandiru2
dreadedcandiru2

Martha's Liography: a bare-bones outline of what to expect.

As we all know, Lynn and Beth seem to have enough time on their hands to start cranking out the Liographies again. What this means is that sooner or later, they'll get around to writing an absurd little character study on Mike's middle school girlfriend Martha MacRae. As you all remember, we know the following things about her:

  1. She and Mike met at summer camp in 1992 and hit it off because their personalities were similar.
  2. When they met back up in middle school, Mike made a complete mess of things because of his inability to understand why Martha had shared something he thought she shouldn't have and refusal to admit that his need to be a laddish oaf wouldn't go down well.
  3. Elly spent most of the time wetting herself because Martha's body language was "dangerous". This, of course, is Elly-speak for "she looks like she puts out."
  4. What Elly didn't know is that Martha's parents and older brother had appointed themselves abstinence cops; this had the revenge effect of Martha seeking out safe bad boys like Mike, Lawrence and a Jason Finkbeiner.
  5. Mike's inattention, paranoia and entitlement drove her into the arms of another boring little git like him.
  6. This engendered the bog-standard "When I'm forty and rich, she'll be so sorry she dumped me, she'll kill herself" revenge fantasy.
  7. Years later, she was simply someone he used to know....and fantasize about running off with.


In short, she was someone who, like Becky or Thérèse, rejected the glory of Patterlife chasing after a pretty dream (in her case, a man who wasn't a Sainted Patterson and probably not even the first white boy she met in pre-K) only to be stuck in a horrible limbo. Since "horrible limbo" is defined as "divorced single mother of two who chunked up after she hit twenty", it's as if Lynn took the worst traits of Connie and Anne and created a Frankenfailure.

The fact that they dare to feel sympathy and hope that one day that someone like Thérèse who refused Patterlife will know a measure of happiness gives me a rather good idea of what the basic premise will be. The theme I expect will be something along the lines of "While not being quite good enough to be Mrs Mike Patterson, we hope that some day, she'll find a cut-rate version of him so she'll be as happy as someone whose body language is dangerous deserves."

Certain details also tend to write themselves. First off, we can probably assign her a weak father and a domineering idiot mother based on the fact that Mommy opens her mail and keeps track of who she phones. We can also expect to see that the same older brother who did unto Mike as he did unto Elizabeth is a low-class, low-brow brute who loves sports and wants genocide visited on the arts community. We can even work in the collapse of her marriage into the basic "This is what she gets for thinking that she's too good for us" theme we're going for. Not only will Lynn be able to once again avenge herself on the hubands who left her, she'll make the woman left behind a pathetic, passive, whimpering lump of self-pity. Since the alternative is admitting that Mike isn't the be-all and end-all Lynn likes to think he is, we can probably expect her and Rhetta to get a scraping.
Tags: the liographies
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