dreadedcandiru2 (dreadedcandiru2) wrote,
dreadedcandiru2
dreadedcandiru2

Mary Sue McFakename: Speculation as to the Martian's Elly Surrogate.

One of the few nice things about what we call the Strip of Destiny is that April is the only one who got anything like a happy ending. Unlike her siblings who are destined to live far below their potential so that two entitled boomer arsebuckets who don't know how things work can further their antisocial agenda, April managed to escape suburban ennui and live an exciting, fulfilling life on her own terms. Not, of course, that Lynn's target demographic saw things that way. As I keep saying, she seems to be pandering to gutless drones who want to feel good about being too chickenshit and lazy to really do anything with their lives. Rather than admit that they envy April her freedom from the soul-crushing Hell their innate cowardice has made of their lives, they cry crocodile tears of condescending compassion about the poor child who doesn't know mother love when they see it.

That being said, it's pretty much a rock-solid fact that if Lynn had continued the strip, there was no way in Hell she'd let April follow the Evil Distracting Star all the way to the tiny, obscure, barely-civilized cow-town of Calgary. After all, Gerald needed saving from Evil, Ambitious Becky and her evil ambitions and April needed to learn that people aren't meant to live in the Terrible, Cruel Outside World or have adventures or do anything that Elly herself is too God-damned gutless sensible to do.

To that end, Lynn would need to assign her a franchised Elly to remind her of her duty to save her Twoo Wuv Gerald from dying in squalor. Said substitute Flapandhonk would also be assigned the duty of hammering home the fact that despite it looking exciting and making her feel alive, a life of stimulation and adventure is no sort of life for someone destined for the higher goal of popping out bland, blond idiot children for Elly to fuss over. Finally, said miracle worker would remind our errant child that despite never having displayed any sign of it, John and Elly do love her so she does owe them every penny spent raising her.

Of course, there is a down-side to her being a miracle worker. Not even she could prevent Elly from keeling over stone dead at the unfathomably old age of sixty-five because April took too long to be born or give Elly back the years April stole from her by being born too late. The most we could get is Elly seeing April and Gerald's first child on her death bed.
Tags: legion of substitute parents, picky-face martian princess creature
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