dreadedcandiru2 (dreadedcandiru2) wrote,
dreadedcandiru2
dreadedcandiru2

The ten pound goalpost and why it's needed.

While it is true that there does seem to be something organically wrong with Elly's brain that makes her see herself as hideous and fat when all that's really wrong with her is that she slouches forward as if the weight of the world is on her shoulders, it does seem that she almost needs the excuse of being fat in order to avoid having to face certain things. As by way of example, she's too damned self-conscious to even dare to try to buy herself something flattering and eye-catching. I mean, even if she weren't raised to believe that decent, respectable people didn't dress in the ultra-dowdy fashion she does, it's as I said before: her natural inclination is to seek out clothing that makes her uglier and less attractive than she actually is in order to repel the male attention that scares her. She might blame hot girls for using the body and language she avoided having for her lonely nights and tear-stained teenaged pillows but her fear of intimacy and vulnerability and failure kept her from trying.

This would be bad enough were it not for the fact that women seem to be socialized against being truly confident about who and what they are. Like any number of women out there, Elly fell into the trap of putting all of her trust in external validation. Only if the crowd agreed that she was beautiful and good and worthy of affection and so on and so forth could she allow herself to believe that she actually deserved the good things in life because she was raised to believe that her self-judgment was biased and flawed and thus had to be rejected. Since a neurological defect that causes her to see a fun-house mirror version of herself marches in lockstep with a culture that makes a bad problem worse and a need to trust said culture that hates her because she was raised to not think too much of herself, she literally can't allow herself to believe people who tell her that she's attractive. Society and her own blinkered mind's eye say she's ugly so John is either trying to trick her, get something from her or his eyes want testing. Anything would be preferable to admitting that letting a mob do your thinking for you is for saps and that the real problem is that your brain needs a firmware patch.
Tags: elly on her cross, elly versus herself
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