dreadedcandiru2 (dreadedcandiru2) wrote,

The child is the father to the unemployable man.

As you might have guessed, I really don't think that Mike should have the insane success that he's had in life. It bothers me that he pissed his pants in terror and ran crying home to Deanna because an authority figure was a big meanie-pants for expecting a managing editor of a magazine to behave like a managing editor and was granted an insanely generous book deal instead of being sued into the Proterozoic Era for breach of contract. This is because it is somewhat aggravating to have to realize that he really never bothered growing out of the same stupid, limiting tendencies that hamper him as a boy in the strips we're reading now. As we're about to see in the upcoming "Phil beats his head against the stone wall called Mike's being a whiny defeatist" arc, Mike has a lot of behaviour patterns that really screw him up:

  1. Self-Aggrandizement: As I've said over the years, dirt-average clodhopper Michael seems to be transfixed with the laughably stupid belief that he is some sort of super-special snowflake when he's actually something of a mediocrity. Just as having to obey the same classroom rules as boring, ordinary people who might as well be processed into dog food brought out the sullen dipshit in him, Mike derailed his career for a while because he needed to get revenge on Divala for her humiliating insistence that he was just some clod hired to do a puff piece instead of the probing look into her life no one asked him to write in the first place.

  2. Dimwit Martyrdom: The same ludicrous ape who wasted his childhood wailing idiotically about how noooooooooobody loved him because he had to do things he didn't like mutated into a boorish adult who caterwauled about being a rung on a ladder because some uppity person who clearly hated him told him that he had to write the article the magazine asked him to write, his own need to show off be damned.

  3. Impulse Control Failure: While it's true that Michael has outgrown his need to flail around and holler about how HARD something people who HATE him and want to see him SUFFER is when confronted with not being able to get his own way all the time, his despicable act of ruining someone's career for insulting his excellence is hardly an improvement.

  4. Blame Avoidance: Given that the asshole still thinks that Liz deserved to be the victim of his cruelty because she was somehow magically plotting his downfall, it's not much of a surprise that he thinks that being inconvenienced by someone means that said someone is clearly trying to ruin him. The idea that Divala is still trying to figure out what she did to irritate the thin-skinned idiot who thought too much of himself is not one that can occur to him because he's genetically incapable of understanding that people can get in his way and still be good people.

  5. Defeatism: Of course, anger and victim-blaming aren't his only responses to adversity. The same goof who, when confronted with someone who he can aspire to become even if he'll never quite make it, thinks that he should quit in despair and die because he can't be the best grows up to become someone who, as I said, pooped his diaper when told that he'd end up being 'the bad guy.'

Putting this all together, it's really something of a miracle that Mike's career doesn't consist of either wearing a blue vest and asking us if we would like to apply for a Wal-Mart Mastercard or a hair net or asking us if we want fries with our Big Mac. He sure wouldn't last long in the publishing industry with the attributes I'd listed so it's either minimum wage or specializing in flopsy schemes.
Tags: mike patterson: invertebrate, mike patterson: universal idiot

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