dreadedcandiru2 (dreadedcandiru2) wrote,
dreadedcandiru2
dreadedcandiru2

Mike's reunion and its discontents.

The most interesting thing happened to me while I was looking for strips that had Mike blow his stack because a mean old editor who hated him and literature and God and everyone pared down his terrible prose style into something human beings could actually read. I'd reminded myself that it's been twenty one years since the Delicate Genius graduated from high school. Twenty one years of him flailing around from one self-induced crisis to the next because Elly and John's pathetic parenting style meshed with his being as stupid as a cinderblock that ate lead paint chips growing up.

The reason I find this interesting is that it means that last year should have been fun to watch because the class of 1994 would have held its reunion. The reason this is an untapped vein of comedy gold is that his inflated opinion of himself would collide rather messily with what other people actually think of him. To start with, people would look at Gordon being a really big deal and Mike living in his parents' old house living the life his mother wanted to live and use that as evidence of something that they've always believed; said thing is that Mike is Gordon's imbecilic sidekick.

If that is not bad enough, watching him back-pedal about shivving Lawrence because his friend was a lying liar who lied to Mike his whole life would be entertaining as anything. You and I know that Michael believe that he has always been a wonderful friend to everyone's favourite straight gay; we also know that this is bullshit. Lawrence wanted to keep things on the down-low until outing himself would not blow up in his face but the sullen dipshit next door couldn't tolerate that because Lawrence obviously kept it from him to humiliate him and thus HAD to come clean to make up for making Mike look stupid. This led to a horrible situation in which Elly was the voice of reason telling Mike to clean up the mess he made. Having someone come along and tell Deanna that Mike's acts of tolerance and heroism were bogus would be wonderful fun.

The next person on the humiliation conga line would, of course, be Rhetta "bug on a windshield" Blum. You all know that I laugh myself silly when I think about his moaning stupidly because he mistook her having emotional needs with her never liking him at all because he's stupid and self-centered. I also delight in being revolted about his ultra-classy and self-indulgent break-out e-mail because someone saw her with someone else. What delights me is the pleasant possibility that what hampered him before is what made him think he could get away with such a despicable act. Before they started dating, he thought that Rhetta's older brother was her boyfriend. Given how dumb his friends are, it's likely that history repeated itself when Gordon mistakenly thought that Rhetta asking her brother how to win Mike back was her going behind his gullible idiot buddy's back. Being told this would make Mike look even more ridiculous (and make Gordon angry because he'd made a fool of himself for a Patterson again) and might lead to his saying something that betrays his ignorance of the world about how he thinks that all Deanna does is count pills while the real (pronounced "male") pharmacist does the brain work. He'd be lucky if Deanna was merely on the sidelines egging them on while they tarred and feathered him.

To conclude this wonderful look at Mike's credibility finally getting so shredded, the only alternative is a botched suicide attempt that would finally put him in the padded cell he's sort of belonged in his whole life, I should think that Brian might fly in from Japan to sum up what's wrong with Mike by using the following expression: 馬鹿は死ななきゃ治らない。 (Baka wa shinanakya naoranai) which translates to "Unless an idiot dies, he won't be cured" or "You can't fix 'stupid'."
Tags: mike patterson: universal idiot
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