dreadedcandiru2 (dreadedcandiru2) wrote,
dreadedcandiru2
dreadedcandiru2

Mike Patterson, defective eulogist.

As we know, Jim was slated to pass away in the very short term. As we also know, some imbecile appointed mush-headed clodhopper Mike the Official Deliverer Of Speeches because they assume that since he uses a lot of large words, he can speak and write well. This is, of course, nonsense because he doesn't quite understand what those big words mean and his sentence structure is best described as baroque. Were this not bad enough, he fails because he does not know who it is that he's eulogizing. The wedding speech in which he more than likely warned Anthony that his life was about to turn to shit because he married the simply awful child EEEEEEEEEverybody loooooooooved best while he was neeeeeever paid any heed to and nooooobody loved him because he's a grandiose dickchoad who can either have all the attention or be put on a damned ice floe should have warned them all that Mike has no idea who the people around him are.

This means that his eulogy for Jim would have been charitably described as a crime against nature as well against literature. Given that Doctor Mike "IS HE CRAZY??" Patterson is too stupid to understand what aphasia is and that he's still angry at his grandfather for not coddling him and not sharing wonderful stories about buckets of blood pouring out of stranger's heads, we'd be in for a repellent display in which a disinterested observer assumed that a devastated family is so gutted, they don't notice that the stranger they hired to talk about the deceased patriarch is a maundering, mush-mouthed mutton-headed total incompetent.

This trend would continue on when John meets his fate at the Lucky Clucker. Given that physically inept and mechanically deficient Mike is too dim to understand what a disappointment he was for churning out big fat books about tiny little ideas, we'd get a moron seeing himself as a continuation of someone he has nothing in common with. They could play John's video will right afterwards and have the old boy say flat out that he hated the fact that Mike made no effort to get to know his parents and seemed to think that telling the world that having a woman stupidly stand by a defective man is the best love ever despite that being totally gross and the idiot wouldn't see it.

This means that in the long run, Elly would be glad that Death meant that she didn't have to listen to a laundry list of self-serving complaints that all boil down to her being horrible because she couldn't fill the yawning void in his soul where an ability to appreciate what he had is supposed to be. The way she'll see it, the living will envy the dead if living means having to hear that she and John were awful for not realizing that they should have stopped having kids because they had the perfection that is a total jackhole who should have his lips sown shut and his fingers sawed off so we no longer have to communicate with him.
Tags: for richer or for poorer, mike patterson: universal idiot
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