dreadedcandiru2 (dreadedcandiru2) wrote,

Elizabeth: She who anchors Mike to childhood.

As we know, most of the time we're going to be seeing Michael in the next few years, we're going to be seeing an insanely inadequate boyfriend. I refuse point-blank to set up headers that reference his belief that any hindrance to his getting what he wants when he wants from Martha it no matter what the cost to her is actually her playing a game with him. I rebel at his insistence that she expose herself to risks that he shrinks from. I will not sit there and watch him howl about his heart being pulled from his chest and stomped on because she doesn't like being taken for granted and dumps his stupid ass. I cannot and will not deal with his craven need to repay her loyalty by believing the worst of her while still seeing himself as the injured party. I just can't do that.

What I can do is remind us that he's not just a crappy boyfriend. He's also a sullen dimwit who's convinced that he's smarter, cooler and more grown-up than he actually is. Watching a moron twelve year old arrogate to himself the rank of adult because he picked up the wrong message from John's warped remix of the Four Yorkshiremen sketch (the one in which John, having managed to trick himself into believing that fetching Daddy's slippers for a quarter actually did mean that he washed a big-ass car at the age of four so Mike doesn't know what work is) is almost as hilarious as John being an older version of the kid from the Erma Bombeck essay that had her older kid tell her younger one that his walk to the bus stop looked like something out of a sword-and-sorcery picture.

What I can also do is point out that the ridiculous asshole of a teenager spends a lot of time as a sulking infant who thinks that growing up means having the ability to enjoy life removed because his dipshit parents think that if they're caught smiling, their ability to be taken seriously goes zippa-dee-doo-dah. It also delights me to set up threads that point out that the dumb sack of shit is gonna die not getting over the fact that his parents had another child. Even unto the last days, he never wants to admit that she didn't conspire to be born to ruin his life because that would mean something cruel and terrible. Said cruel and terrible thing is not that he's not the center of the fucking universe. Said cruel and terrible thing is that he's cruel and terrible.
Tags: mike patterson: universal idiot

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