Tags: lynn the blogger

Snarky Candiru2

On speaking Depression Kid and how Lynn fails doing so.

As we've seen, Lynn loves to harp on how poor her family was growing up and how ungrateful her own family is for having all this stuff that she could never have because her own family was destitute and so on and so forth. We get a huge whiff of the fetid stench of envy when Elly's primary argument against letting the kids enjoy the box is a rather obvious attempt to punish them for having something she wasn't allowed to have because of the whole wind-blown poverty thing she had to suffer through.

The problem is that her notes reveal that her parents were mildly prosperous and could possibly have finessed their way into getting at least one of the creature comforts to shut her up and make her stop yowling about how everyone but them was rich. They simply didn't want to because they didn't trust the post-war prosperity to last and also, they had no immediate use for all of the crap she wanted to get because they played a longer game than she ever did. Since I AM Lynn's 'kind', I know how they managed to do so and put aside money for better, more useful purposes like putting her and Alan through post-secondary education: they used the simple technique of declaring that anything that they didn't feel like buying was magically really expensive.

Since Lynn is a baby-boomer and thus kind of dumb, she took that rather obvious lie at face value and sincerely believes that she was deprived and thus requires that people mutate into vending machines to make up for fake, no-way, impossible impoverishment. Since Shit Stupid John and Thinking Impaired Elly are both her, they have to own horses because they both want to make up for artificial deprivation and to punish children for taking things for granted.
Snarky Candiru2

The post-treasury future.

If memory serves me correctly, the last strip we see in the last treasury ever is the one in which Mike proves himself not to be as mature as Elly thought he might be; what I also remember is that owing to her need to sort of rearrange things so that themes sort of go together, the last strip in chronological order is the one wherein Elly apologizes to Ted and his placeholder wife Irene for making a rather stupid remark about her being 'the other woman.'

The reason that I mention this is that it's very likely that after this Easter, it's sort of unlikely that we're going to be dealing with any sort of Lynnsights as we're starting to enter the sort of golden era in which Lynn had stopped copying others and stopped using the strip as a means of punishing Rod for making her live in Lynn Lake. Simply put, it seems to me that the impulse to explain herself will fade away soon enough. We might, of course, get really generic notes inspired by the need to explain that Aaron begged Lynn to make Lizzie the one struggling with having to wear eyeglasses but that would probably be about it.

This means that I think that my earlier guess that they'd join the Coffee Talk letter column calling itself a blog in being shoved down the memory hole was perhaps incorrect. After all, the Lynnsights do seem to have made it into the archive so it's likely that they'll survive next January's housecleaning.
Snarky Candiru2

On the probable end of the notes.

As we all know, Lynn seems to have gotten into the habit of having her website changed over the Christmas holidays. It was two years ago or so that the Coffee Talk letter column closed down because she got bored having to listen to evil, cruel and selfish haters who hate her because they ask more of her than she felt like delivering and it was one year ago that the evil reminder of evil people wanting her to tell an evil lie about how she could do better if she tried vanished all together.

The reason that I mention this is that it might be that she's declaring an end to annotating the strips before the last strip in the last treasury is reprinted. This seems rather a shame because she gets way too enthusiastic about some things. As by way of example, she freely admits to creating Irene for the express purpose of reminding all of us that Ted is too self-absorbed to have a mature relationship with anybody. All she's there for is to show up, get accidentally dissed by idiot Elly who just HAS to talk about how Ted will surely cheat of her only to be told something she and Lynn hear as an order to smile and root for adultery, get cheated on and leave to prove that Ted is a bad pony we should never bet on.

We'll also probably be denied a few Little Lindy shows and, if things run true to form, an incoherent bit of nonsense about how Mike's not wanting to be called lazy and selfish reveals that the Pattersons were starting to become people in their own right instead of an easy way for Lynn to vent about how the family who got too close for comfort disappointed her.
Snarky Candiru2

On really showing them....

As we're about to see, the strip in which two barflies respond to Elly and Claire's acting as if they were attending the saddest sorority reunion ever with a comment about how when wimmin is let out of the kitchen, chaos ensues is Lynn's way of 'answering' two revolting slobs who messed up a pleasant evening out by being drunken morons. The problem is that if the two people in question remember the incident in question, they aren't going to connect what they did with the antics of Frank and Not Frank. Similarly, the waitress Lynn was pillorying the week before has no idea that the Customer From Hell was the person behind yet another slam against people in the service industry. This makes me think of Lynn as the sort of person who gets off on futile little gestures like this in order to make herself feel as if she's really nailed someone real good when in fact, she really hasn't done anything.

The telling part of this is that when Mike waits for another think, she talks about how she wanted to cure Aaron of the evil habit of expecting her to do housework by having evilly refuse to pretty much open a vein in expiation. Given that there were any number of Mavises who actually picked up after the family while she was in her creative trance AND that Ruth was his primary caregiver anyway, the end result is to reinforce my suspicion that Lynn thinks of herself as being more influential than she actually is. Given that we've got a laundry list of strangers who don't realize they've been publicly shames and a family who doesn't understand what they've done to cheese her off, this seems a bit overblown.
Fugly Elly

The authenticity syndrome.

It seems that about every week or two, we find a strip annotated in such a manner that it seems obvious that Lynn feels as if she is somehow magically disappointing her audience if her real life doesn't somehow or other match perfectly with that of Elly Patterson. The underlying idea seems to be that if they were to find out that she invented a detail or two, they would all abandon her because she is a lying liar who lies and so on and so forth. What I believe that she loses sight of living in almost perfect isolation is that people aren't really that stingy, stupid and childish. I know for a fact that I never expected her to really be living Elly's life owing to her making money hand over fist and being a C-list celebrity and all. I expected her life to be more like that of Bill Cosby's signature character, Dr Cliff Huxtable, rich dude with a bunch of clueless kids who'll be freeloading off of him ten years after he dies and a spouse who keeps him from eating himself to death. What seems to be Lynn's major malfunction is that when she imagines her typical fan and reflects on the fact that it's been a lot of years and a couple of million dollars since she was actually a regular mother with regular problems, she assumes that since she'd scream LIAR!!!!! in that made-up person's place, that person would not assume that Lynn is probably about to write a Lynnsight thanking her fans for sending in letters about a life she no longer experiences.
Snarky Candiru2

Other silences, other reasons....

As we know, most of Lynn's experiments don't have a lot of staying power. So far, we've seen the end of the Hybrid strips, the New-runs, Elly's recipes, the weekly podcasts, sending in photos to April's Blog, the Caption contest, Coffee Talk and pretty much everything that requires Lynn to do things even if they bore her. What this probably means is that Lynn is looking for an exit strategy for having to come up with those notes that she writes for her strips. Her dilemma, as I see it, is doing so without looking like some lazy flake who can't be bothered sticking to things because they're hard despite actually being a lazy flake who can't be bothered sticking to things because they're hard. Fortunately for her reputation, she can always claim that being a grandmother comes first. While it's true that we're dealing with mommyjacking by proxy, it's better for all concerned than her whining about picky-faces when nobody is picking at her face. We can thus look forward to her having fewer and fewer thoughts as time goes on. Eventually, a notice will appear stating that she'll only post notes when she has something to actually say and the thing will be done with.
Snarky Candiru2

On the telling silences of the near future.....

As we saw Tuesday, Lynn said that she couldn't come up with any sort of amusing anecdote or clever thought when she looked at that day's strip. We also know that she drew a similar blank last February when she showed John and Elly being affectionate with one another. It's fairly clear that her silence about those strips comes from the same part of her mind that placed the Nichols family under embargo after she decided to make Anne's story the story of her affair. Lynn, you see, has an instinctive dread of discussing subject matter that hits too close to home and Rod's affair is as close as it gets. This, along with her need to solicit pity, means that we can look forward to more blanks being drawn as the years go on.

The curious thing about all of this is not that we're going to have to plow through Lynnsights that translate into "Please, please, PLEASE pity me because for reasons I won't go into, my awful husband left me for a woman who didn't expect him to give up everything boring, irrelevant and stinky HE loved so he could do something super fantastic and take care of a woman too lazy and selfish to fend for herself like a God-damned adult is God-damned supposed to." The curious thing is that Lynn has decided to get rid of Coffee Talk so she can't get all that nice pity from misguided people who don't realize what a slug-like parasite she is. What seems to me to be happening is that she fears that sooner or later, people will start seeing things from Rod's perspective. Since that would mean that instead of pity, she'd get called out on being lazy and entitled, she'd rather not risk more mothers telling her that the world doesn't really owe her a living.
Snarky Candiru2

The "real" Deanna is also the real "Colin Winch".

As one could expect, of course, the real source of all of the creepy childhood sweetheart talk that permeates the strip comes from Lynn not really handling the collapse of a crush she had on some boy in third grade at all well. The interesting thing about this odd little fact is that Lynn would turn this embarrassment into a flashback set in the mid-sixties. It seems that the first great love of Elly's life was some boy named Colin Winch; given that he seems to have seen her as, at best, a pack-mule in saddle shoes, it's clear that he didn't come close to reciprocating her feelings. Cloin finally got wise to what the Richards girl was up to when they'd both become the victims of something out of Anne of Green Gables. After guffawing at the expense of the creepy weirdo sending him those freaky love notes, Elly went from having a crush to feeling crushed. What this all means is that whenever we see someone wail about having their hearts crushed by a machine or gush about the rightness of people who've known each other since Grade One getting married, we're invited to sympathize with a nine year old girl with a broken heart. It also means that the Settlepocalypse was a done deal before I was born.

Snarky Candiru2

Musings on Jack O'Lantern Pie.

The oddest thing happened the other day. As you know, one of the recent strips had Elly use the innards of one of the Halloween pumpkins to make a pie. Most of the people on the Foobiverse community assumed from that that any pie Lynn had made in real life were either pre-made or the result of her opening up a can of pie filling because not only is that particular variety of pumpkin not suitable for cooking in the first place, trying to cook something that had been left on the porch to rot seemed like something of a dumb idea. The problem is that we were wrong; Lynn actually did try cooking a jack o'lantern pie. Granted, she'd learned her lesson and warned others not to do so but she still left us with the question "What kind of idiot does that in the first place?"

To start to answer that question, I'd like to remind you of a person from North Bay that Lynn says she met soon after moving there. Like Lynn, this mystery woman faced the challenge of escorting pre-schoolers on Halloween. Since she knew that the children would be either too tired to walk or just plain asleep by the end of her run, this random passer-by hit on the idea of taking the children's toy wagon with her so she wouldn't have to carry her offsprings and small ones home. When Lynn saw this person, she'd assumed that the wagon was for the candy and not the children and was so impressed by her being told what was really happening, she made a note of it. It still seems to fascinate and impress our hero that someone used her brains instead of doing something in the most ridiculously impractical way possible.

These looks at her past teach us two interesting things about her. First off, they teach us why Elly does things in the most insanely and foolishly complicated way possible. What seems to be happening is that Lynn simply isn't very practical as a person. The reason Elly does things in her needlessly difficult and witlessly impractical way is that she's the creation of a woman who simply does not know how to do things properly and seems resistant to the idea of being taught how to not suck.

The second is that when we see the Pattersons turn their collective noses up at Elly's unpalatable sludgewonderful stuff, we're looking at a scene from Lynn's dining room. Back before she turned into Superchef, Elly was a clone of Lethal Chef Lynn, the creator of Cheapie Weenie Casserole.
Snarky Candiru2

On real and unreal children...

I don't have to remind any of you that when a Lynnsight says that something is the truth, Lynn is going to make a sweeping generalization that conceals the truth. Take, as a for instance, her declaration that children only clean their rooms as a means of currying favor with their mothers. Given that the strip it was attached to is the first in a series in which we learn that children only do things when threatened with violence and the others in which children only do things when promised a reward, we're left with the truth that Lynn has a very negative view of children. Her other notes leave us all with the impression that when she says 'all children everywhere throughout history', she actually meant that one child in particular only did chores either as a means of currying favor with her mother or in response to either a bribe or a threat: Lynn Ridgway.

The interesting thing about this is that she also conceals a truth she'd rather not face from herself when she calls children who do things on their own out of a sense of responsibility as being too good to be true. Rather than admit that she was a nasty, lazy, selfish pain in the ass, she'd rather assume sight unseen that her better behaved peers were faking it so that she doesn't have to admit that she was ever wrong. As Gidney the Moon Man once said of Boris Badenov, some people don't want to be smart because they don't want to admit that they were ever dumb.