Tags: the foob reckoning

Snarky Candiru2

When does Patterlife begin?

It's not enough, of course, to simply rename months if you want to create a sort of Pattercalendar. You also have to have a beginning point in time so you can say that "This is when the family history began." Thankfully, we can use Mike as a sort of measuring stick. Lynn had him stay the same age two years running because she doesn't pay attention but right now, he's eleven and right now, John and Elly had been married for five years when she oopsed him.

This means that it looks as if we're in the middle of the seventeenth year of the Patterson era but we're actually in the middle of the eighteenth year. This is because the Richardses and Elder Pattersons probably imposed the sort of stupid ultimatum that would later be inflicted on Therese and Anthony because the strip is littered with dim people whose fear of disgrace would probably be dismissed as inhuman and unfair by the Taliban. When he was found in her chair, he simply had to marry her to avoid her total ruination.
Snarky Candiru2

The month of Martyrdom

While it does seem as if Elly would have to be alone in conidering December a month in which she experiences more marytyrdom and over-work from her under-appeciative family than usual, it seems somewhat obvious that the rest of the family regard the month as a sort of torture. Said torture takes the form of having a kill-joy claim that she alone is responsible (and thus should be awarded credit) for ‘making’ Christmas happen. As I’ve said once or twice, the Christmas Angel special seems to demonstrate to the masses what December is all about at the Pattermanse despite not really being canon as such.

This is because while it looks to the novice that we’re getting a bog-standard moral about family being family and letting the spirit of the season be more important than the minor agita involved when you’re growing up, the true fan realizes that the Spirit of Patterson Christmas involves one thing and one thing alone: being afraid of Elly’s trademark rages. She only thinks she suffers in silence because I presonally believe that she’ll die being totally unaware that her family are afraid of her. Also, this particular special seems to have had as its message “Lizzie shouldn’t feel especially bad that Elly doesn’t appreciate her because she’s got company” because you just know that someone was about to tell her that grace under pressure is a virtue. Instead of Peace On Earth, they all end up getting something in Klingon as their message:

‘oy’ DaSIQjaj: “May you endure the pain.”

Snarky Candiru2

The month of Noremember

Before I get to what the Pattersons must think of November, I'd like to point out something about myself: I haven't got the blindest idea of what it was like to serve in conflict. I buy poppies to wear, I attend services on the eleventh day of the eleventh month and I tell myself I'm honouring their sacrifice but since I can only vaguely guess at what that sacrifice was 'cause I'm kind of dense, I've no idea if I am. This puts me in the same leaky boat as the Foobs but at least I'm aware of it.

This means that while I reflect on what people who have been through that say when they tell me to shut up if I don't know what I'm talking about, the Pattersons get to make windy pronouncements about something they've never experienced while slowly but surely teaching their children that wars were something people used to have and that certain people are ceasing to become real. This act of forgetting is sort of why it's the month of Noremember as we contemplate Meredith wondering why Superman didn't simply punch this Hitler person in the face.
Snarky Candiru2

The Month Of Hatred

You would tend to think that October would be all about fall colour, engaging in paranoid nonsense about having the Yankees coming North of the border to beat people up for celebrating Thanksgving in the wrong month owing to Lynn's being brought up to believe that Americans are worse than Nazis because they followed a different George in the 1770s or complaining about more candy to make Elly fat. You'd be wrong because Elly associates the month with the idea that her children hate all the love in her great big heart.

The reason she turns October into the month of Theyhateme is that the deluded child woman simply cannot cope with conflict because her mother wanted to save mankind by never letting her win an argument. This means that when the kids start to think for themselves or point out that she doesn't know what kids like these days, she either explodes, sulks or whines because she doean't know what her kids are trying to tell her and thinks that honest objections to her ignorance of her surroundings must come from a place of hate.
Snarky Candiru2

The first month: Liberation.

Like a lot of parents in North America, it's pretty much certain that Elly and the others as seeing Labour Day as the 'real' first day of the year. While the children no doubt see it is the beginning of ten more months of agita about lessons and ten more months of being reminded how low they really are on the food chain and ten more months of being convinced that when you're twenty, they remove whatever it is that makes you understand or sympathize with kids and while John sees it is ten more months of his ungrateful teeming get complaining about something else that used to be a problem when he was their age but isnt really, Elly sees it is something else: Liberation.

This is because it is clearly the fault of the children that she rushed into cozy domesticity before she bothered figuring out who she was and what she wanted. Rather than admit that she done messed up and before she finally got around to realizing that the problem with her dreams was that they came true and she did not like the results, she will spend what years she has left relishing the return of an empty house.

Snarky Candiru2

The month of weddings.

While you would normally think that adults in the strip would be as ready to associate August with anticipation because they can unload their kids on government employees soon as the kids would be reasy to associate it with dread and regret for the same reason, it occurs to me that all would agree to think of it as Weddingmonth.

This is not just because everything seems to have been a lead-up to the Settlepocalypse and the final vindication of Elly's under-involved parenting style. We are either getting ready for someone else's wedding or trying to forget that the wedding of an obstruction had validity because doing so makes Lizardbreath feel the evil and wrong feelings of remorse, guilt, shame and empathy.
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The month of stress

As you might no doubt have guessed by now, it's my personal opinion that John and Elly love the social status that comes with being parents but don't especially like or understand children any more than they like the petty bullcrap that comes with the job. I once said that while they wanna go to Heaven, neither of'em wanna die in reference to this annoying tendency of theirs. This is why July might as well be called Angst as far as they're concerned because they spend most of it whining about have to deal with the annoying end results of their witless failure to actually be parents to their kids. They expect instant obedience and instant wonderfulness without having to do anything and they can't deal.

What they can do is find some way to banish the kids from their presence or make family trips a grueling ordeal that they can blame on the kids so they can avoid having to face a hard truth that would make them better people: they're not the easiest people in the world to deal with. Mike might be a stupid twit who can't turn down a dare but John is a stupid twit who won't stop mentally undressing every pretty girl he sees any more than he can see that Elly wasn't looking forward to being a put-upon housewife he takes for granted in a different time zone. Since admitting blame is only for weak people it's okay to despise for allowing themselves to be pushed around, Trash-Bag Johnny blames the kids for his chaos.
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The month of confusion.

It should come as no real shock that adults and children in the strip have a different idea of what June means. To We Moms, June is a terrible month because for some silly reason, school closes for two months and We Moms have to scramble to find ways in which the terrible parasite children who hate us and our happiness and fulfillment occupied so that We Moms don't have to admit that we never liked kids to starts with. June is the month of Despair because the minute after they get time off, they're bored because we moms were so busy complaining about being mothers that they don't spend much time being parents.

To the children being berated for having imaginations carefully left stunted by idiot parents, the same month is one of Freedom because for two months, they think they'll have time to themselves and no pointlessly angry adult will tell them what to do. No more confusing homework, no lectures about a fake childhood spent in a world that had to be dull because the kids weren't in it and no playground politics. Too bad it's always a lie. No sooner do they come home with report cards in hand do they find Mom screaming about how their presence in their own home is a crime.
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The month of MEH.

The interesting thing about the month of May is that as far as I can see that aside from April, the Pattersons could logically have no problems with it. April remembers it as the month where she thinks Jeremy was trying to knock her off her bike but since she doesn’t count and since Elly probably thought she was asking for it rubbing it in that the boy’s daddy left to play harmonica, no one important is oppressed by its memory.

This, of couse, means that it is bad too because it’s a bland waste of time where nothing they can remember happened to them. Since Elly sees it as a bland march towards the grave where nothing anyone cared about can br lamented or be avenged, it’s a lukewarm month of Meh.

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The month of Ruin.

Most of us in this world feel a sense of relief when the fourth month of the current calendar returns. This is because winter’s harshness has started to finally give way to new growth and the promise of summer’s warmth. Most of us don’t happen to be Pattersons; this means that most of us don’t happen to be lamenting the presence of an unwanted and unwelcome disruption: a child who happens to bear the same name as the month in question.

While they publicly deny it, it’s rather obvious that the only person in the family who actually has any real use for April is Deanna who sees her as a tender of children first and a person with hopes and dreams of her own a distant last. The others see her as either an expense, a hindrance or an unrepentant slayer of a dog he treated poorly when he was alive despite blubbering about wanting him. Since they take Mikey Girl’s lead in saying that she somehow fooled all of them by keeping them from being a ‘balanced’ family, it’s obvious that they’d call the month Ruin if they were in charge because April ruined everything.